


a falling star seduces the full moon

by baekkieony



Series: Different Directions Of Love [10]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bulimia, ChanKai, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Love, M/M, Mild Smut, OT12 - Freeform, Porn, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Romance, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Smut, Starving, happy end, lovely porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-22 07:37:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11962752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekkieony/pseuds/baekkieony
Summary: Kai may be the reincarnation of Mr. Charming, but it's Jongin when everything comes crashing down and he bends over the toilet again.





	a falling star seduces the full moon

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags if you get triggered easily. I apologize for bad writing. Not beta'd.

Jongin is currently standing on stage, knees weak and hands trembling furiously. The rush of adrenaline is making his head dizzy and everything is too loud, too bright, too _much_.

Normally, he would be glad about attention and the fans screaming his name through the singing of his members. I mean, he dedicated his life to SM and the stage.

But now, Jongin just wants to be in bed and sleep a lot. Maybe cuddling with Sehun a bit. But not that, not the rush and the heat on stage and his legs going limb. He's only a few seconds away from fainting, because he just feels _dried out_. Before stage he was sure he'd stand the pressure, he didn't need to eat the meal. He would be _fine_.

Jongin takes a few steps back from the edge of the stage, he would be falling in the boundless abyss if he didn't safe himself. There wouldn't be anyone who'd tried to catch him anyway. Jongin's feeling kind of sick.

~*~

The other members are sitting together in the living room after the concert, everybody has showered already beside Jongin and he wants nothing more than go to sleep right after he paid the shower a visit, his hands still sweaty. He had to go through a lot of scolding by his manager, who told him that he's _not enough,_ not _perfect_ enough.

When the water is finally running down his spine and he's relaxing after all the stress from the concert and the pressure of being enough when he knows he's _never_ enough. Jongin has the urge to cry, because the day was just being a bitch until yet, when he hears the door opening and the sound of a belt hitting the floor rings in his ears.

Then there's a familiar presence joining his shower and a lean body pressing against his back and Jongin just knows it's _him,_ because he can smell his scent and he knows this hands finding the way to Jongin's shoulders and this sharp nails digging in his flesh. He just knows them.

“What's been worrying you?”, his voice is like honey when it fills the bathroom and the hands on his shoulder are massaging the stress out of him and Jongin can't but let a small moan out. He feels the body behind him stiffening a little, but when Jongin turns around to face him, he quickly replaces the frown with a smile Jongin's so used to. _He just can't know,_ Jongin thinks and when he's wrapping his arms around the body in front of him and nuzzling his face in the crook of his neck with the water pouring down on him, he feels safe. _Home_.

To Jongin, he feels like home.

“I'm just fine, don't worry about me too much”, Jongin laughs a little too fake and they both know it's a lie, but they don't try pushing the topic more. He knows that Jongin doesn't like talking about his problems, he more dances them away, or lately, been throwing them up in the toilet. The other's gaze flickers to his wrist and then his lower legs, but he doesn't say a word. He'd notice the new scars anyway one day.

“Okay”, the honey voice is soothing him and they keep standing tangled together there for a while, cuddling and saving. After they separate and finish the shower, Jongin is drying himself with a towel and tries to get an unnoticed look on the other's toned abdomen.

“The other's are waiting for you”, he tells him before he turns around and leave the room, fully clothed this time. Jongin keeps staring at him when he leaves the room, just can't tear his gaze away. And he decides that he can't tell him, not _yet_ , never.

His scars are itching like never this evening.

~*~

They finished their last concert of the tour yesterday and Jongin's just glad to get home for a few weeks and _stay._ He doesn't know when he's been home the last time, maybe on christmas a few years ago? Too long to be good anyway.

He's itching to see his mother and his father and tell them all about the things happening, but when he's at the airport, waiting for them to come out and close him in their arms, he's been waiting for a while.

But after all, he can see them running towards him and hugging him like he's never been away for two years. He smiles down at his mother and his father, at his sister and he now it's hitting him right in the feels how much he missed them.

“Let's get home and make you something good to eat; you look so skinny, you can't have had a proper meal for weeks!”, at the mention of food, Jongin's stomach knotting itself inside. He _has had_ proper meals, or at least something to eat, but he just kept throwing them up in the toilet.

When he goes to his old room, where he's going to stay the next week, teenage life and puberty hits him like a bus. They didn't put down the posters from Girls Generation or the embarrassing HyunA posters he taped on the wall when he was fifteen and the rooms still smells like his mother's cleaning favourite. “Home”, Jongin sighs and sets down his bags.

In the evening Jongin has to explain himself, why he wasn't able to visit them, how he's been doing and just keeping on stuff with their life. He also mentions that he's very tired and just wants to head straight to bed when his father asks him to sit down a bit and drink a good scotch or whisky.

They don't have to know that he heads straight to the toilet instead of bed.

In the morning, he's sitting at breakfast with his mom and father, ranting about some gossip they heard about him dating a girl last time. “So son, when we're at this topic now; do you have somebody currently on your mind?”, his mother and father are looking at him curiously and Jongin can't but swallow loudly. He's been avoiding this topic for a reason, because he can't decide how his parents would react to it.

“Yeah, there's been a person”, his mother interrupts him with shiny eyes and excitement in her voice. “Oh great! Do we know that girl?”, his father sets down his newspaper he's been reading and Jongin swallows again. “Y-you know this person, but I-I'm not talking about a girl”.

The room falls silent and only his father's fork falling onto the ground breaks it. His mother takes a sharp breath in, but then forces a smile onto her face.

“It's _him,_ isn't it? You've always been talking about him, all the time, even when you were here two years ago”, she doesn't seem angry, more _disappointed._

Jongin swallows and nods, hoping his father won't stay up and beat him right to hospital. He only bends down and lies the fork on his dish, before he says with a stern voice that Jongin should pack his bags and leave the house before noon.

They doesn't even bother changing a word with him anymore.

~*~

After the incident with his parents, Jongin has made it to his dorm somehow, expecting nobody to be there, because he knows they all wanted to visit their families, so he can cry a bit and be alone. But when he's turning the key in their door and opening to find the lights switched on and a familiar person sleeping on the couch, he's just wanting more to cry than never.

Jongin doesn't know if he'd be angry right know or not, because sure, it's _him_ sleeping on the couch, _he_ , the reason his parents practically disowned him. Or more, the reason why the world would disown him, because the south-korean industry and this industry in a whole doesn't like _gay_ people.

It seems like opening the door has woken him on the couch up, because now he's staring at Jongin like he's seen an alien and Jongin runs towards him, in his opened arms and just starts to cry a lot.

They're staying like this for the rest of the night, holding each other safe in their arms, his weight supporting Jongin from falling, while Jongin's insides are screaming that he's supposed to throw up acid in the toilet right now, instead of failing again.

~*~

“I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST LET HIM GO LIKE THAT? I MEAN; SOMETHING REALLY DANGEROUS COULD HAVE HAPPEN OR HE COULD HAVE DIED!”, Jongin thinks he's never seen Junmyeon this angry, yelling at him. “But everything went fine! I mean, it was an accident on stage and I'm sorry, but what could I have done? He slipped through my fingers, Junmyeon and you have no right to yell at me like this! You're not my mom or something”, Jongin's voice sounds cold even to himself and he could see Junmyeon's shock in his eyes, but does he care?

Jongin decides to go for _no_.

“I'm not your mom, right, but I bet she would disown you anyway. Nobody wants a son acting like this”, Junmyeon's eyes are narrowed and Jongin feels like he's going to throw up right at the point. Jongin can feel the tears stinging in his eyes and he's sure his voice is trembling when he tries to speak, but there's only a lump in his throat.

“Then I'm sure you'll be glad that she did that already”, he somehow manages to spit out before he's running away straight to the toilet.

He's closing the bathroom door, locking it, kneeling down, bending over and finger down his throat until he feels the familiar soreness and the acid filling his mouth. But he's not only throwing up the meal he currently ate, he's throwing up worries and hate, disgust and shame and all these things bothering him.

He slumping over the toilet, tears running down his cheeks, staining his t-shirt. He would like to throw up a second time to get this disgusting feeling out if his stomach, but when he sticks his finger down his throat nothing comes up anymore beside acid. And Jongin's hating himself, because his devil doesn't wear prada, his devil is made out of porcelain and seated in the bathroom.

~*~

His members are avoiding him since the incident with Junmyeon happened and he starts feeling like a leper in their group. Like he's only a burden, who shouldn't be here.

Not only that he's still too fat, now he doesn't even dance good anymore and his voice cracks more than often. The only one keeping him company anymore are the toilet, his blades and _him_. He's the only one who didn't start getting out of Jongin's way and he's glad about that. Jongin doesn't know how he would manage to live without him. He's sure he'd given up a long time ago.

Jongin's presence on stage got weaker, his dance moves look lazy and not sharp like he's used, like the fans are used to. His body looks starved out, but not for Jongin. For Jongin, everybody looks skinnier than Jongin. What would he give to have that wide, broad shoulders of Sehun and that legs of Yixing.

It's a fucking lot he would give.

He tries to ignore the silence which was between him and the members at weekly idol today. He tries to act healthy and motivated. He tries to not faint while they're on stage and somehow he manages to keep up until the show is done, but the scolding of his manager doesn't wait long.

“Your performance today was literally shit. If you don't improve your acting skills and the you fucking too skinny frame, we'd have to put you in hospital and we send you to a therapist”. Jongin laughs silently to himself. _Too skinny._ His manager isn't normally one for a joke, but this was really a good one.

~*~

Jongin's just closed the bathroom door behind him, not bothering to lock it since his members keep staying distant from him. Not that he minds anymore. He unbuckles his belt, throws his shirt away and unbuttons his pants.

It doesn't take long for the water to warm up and then he's stepping under the water, the warmth keeping him close. The last blood from his cuts gets washed out, water running over his skinny frame he doesn't want to see. His devil keeps screaming at him that he can throw up just a little more and the blades keep yelling that he'd better cut a third, fourth or fifth time.

He doesn't hear the creak when the door is opening, because he's to busy grabbing the blade in the shower and slowly pressing it down on his wrist. _This is a great day to die, a day worth it, a place worth it_ , Jongin thinks and he's setting the blade down again, wants to run it over his wrist but then there's _he_ in the shower, grabbing his wrist and stopping him.

“What do you think you're trying to do?”, his voice sounds stern instead of the usual teasing tone and there's no sparkle in his eyes, only sadness when Jongin looks up. Jongin knows his eyes are pleading to let him go, to finally end his life, but he doesn't let him, his beautiful hands ripping the blade out of his grip and throwing it out of the shower, right before Jongin breaks down on the ground and cries.

“I-I don't know”, Jongin presses out between sobs, “I think the world just decided that it doesn't want me anymore”. Jongin would like to explain, but he doesn't need to, because he's sitting down next to him and tangles his arms around Jongin. He understand, even if Jongin doesn't say a word.

“You got skinnier”.

These words break through Jongin's sobs, and he only cries more, because he knows that he's _right_.

They keep sitting next to each other, he's holding Jongin closer and closer until their lips are touching and they just keep kissing like they have held each other the whole time.

When Jongin's sobs get lesser and the water in shower is running cold, the only sound is their kissing right there and Jongin would love to hold that moment forever and never let it go. But then he stands up and drags Jongin with him, shuts the water and throws a plushy towel at Jongin. Jongin shivers in the cold, already missing the warmth of his body, but then he's there again, pressing Jongin against the cold wall behind him and kissing until they both run out of breath.

“You don't know how long I wanted to do that”, his voice is honey again, not shaky or weak like Jongin's. Comforting at the right point. But Jongin manages a smile and a chuckle, before he replies that he knows it too well.

They manage getting into Jongin's room without getting caught and when they there, Jongin gets pushed onto his bed, waiting for him to come closer after locking the door behind him.

His eyes roam hungrily about Jongin's exposed body on his bed, eyes following his shoulders and then leading down to the parts the white towel still covers. “We should get rid of that”, he says and then he's grabbing Jongin's towel and throwing it anywhere in the room. They doesn't waste that much to his towel too and then there are hands all over Jongin's boy, slender, long and beautiful fingers.

Jongin can feel his breath on the sensitive side of his neck where he's pressing open-mouthed kiss to exposed skin and the dim light through his window from outside is playing with his hair like he has halo over his head. It's art in front of him, Jongin thinks and then focuses back on him, who has made his way down till his cock.

A short kiss to his pinky tip and Jongin's already moaning his name, letting the whole dorm know that he belongs to _him_ and only _him_. He doesn't spend that much time to Jongin's cock anyway, so it doesn't take long until two of his fingers are covered in lube and he's preparing himself for Jongin, ass up in the air, moaning loudly in a pillow.

Jongin asks him for condoms, to make it safer, but he pleads to get filled with Jongin's semen and Jongin can't just not take that offer. Slowly, Jongin is sinking every inch of him into the heath of his body and he feels like he's been taken to heaven in a second. He hears a small whine, a beg for more, to move faster, harder, more pressure and Jongin gives him what he wants.

They moving together, building one, being one, one movement. He can feel every inch of Jongin sinking into him, as much as Jongin can feel him taking every inch of Jongin so well it makes Jongin moan out his name in excitement and rush and adrenaline it's loveable.

The sound of skin slapping again skin and their moans fill the room, which is already filled with the scent of sex and something dirty and expectable. Jongin's moves get sloppier, because he's running towards his orgasm in a rush, but his last stack of strength left him, he had eaten nothing for to long that he'd be able to keep up with his own rhythm. He hears a whiny “Hyung” and Jongin wonders but keeps up, because they usually don't care about formalities.

They switch positions, Jongin's cock is slipping into that tight hole of his again and now he's riding Jongin furiously fast and Jongin knows in the way his balls are tightening and the feeling in the pit of his stomach that he's getting closer and closer to his release and he loves it, can't stop himself from thrusting up too, making it faster and faster and then they're both spilling, Jongin deep inside him and he's spilling onto his stomach and Jongin's stomach.

They roll off each other, exhausted and silent and they don't talk until they stand next to each over under the shower again, cold water dripping onto sweaty and hot skin.

“We have to talk about that scars and your eating habits, Jongin”, his voice isn't like honey anymore, it's stern and Jongin doesn't quite like that. “I know”, he answers quietly and it's clear that he's talking about telling it Junmyeon. “But the other members have been avoiding me and I think they don't want to even look me in the eyes right now”, he sighs and then shuts the water in shower before throwing another white towel in Jongin's face. They're getting dressed, before he speaks again.

“Dumbass, they haven't been avoiding you, they've been worried! You were to captured in your own world to notice their attempts to help you!”, before Jongin can answer anything, he's dragging him out of the bathroom into the living room, where the others were sitting, watching a movie – maybe a drama or something – and Jongin's hands are trembling in fear that they won't understand or something.

When they enter the room, all heads turn around and too many eyes are focused on him, curious and waiting. When he tries to speak, he can't open his mouth and his lips seem like they’re glued together, so _he_ does it for Jongin.

“Jongin here, he wants to tell you something. Something serious he needs your help with and I think he also wants to apologize for being such an asshole the last two months”, Jongin can see their eyes widening and then he finally finds the strength to open up his mouth.

And then he sits down in their group and explains, explains everything, about his thoughts about the group, the feeling of being a burden and a leper, of the incident with his parents – Junmyeon seems like he wants to cry at that and he gest a really _really_ comforting hug – to his eating disorder and how he's using the knifes from the kitchen for other things. He only didn't talk about the thing with _him_ , about his feelings for him.

And then they're hugging, only hugging for a long long time, because they understand so so well and Jongin's only sorry for keeping that to himself for such a long time. “But, haven't you forgot something?”, Minseok ask suddenly and when Jongin looks up and sees that he's pointing at _him_ , Jongin's shock.

“But it's his story, not mine”, he says, as confused as Jongin is. Minseok only chuckles along with a few others. “But we all know that you'd _love_ to make it to your story as well. And don't come with that “I haven't been bragging the whole last year into your ears how much I love him” thing”, Jongin sees how he goes literally red in the face and can't stifle the small laughter in his throat.

“Ah, so, great thing to know tho, but what has that to do with me?”, and he can hear Junmyeon cackling. “C'mon, jacking of to a person in the shower isn't an opinion when the walls in the door are literally see-through and you're definitely not the quiet type”, now it's Jongin's turn to turn completely red.

“Soooo?”, Luhan seems to don't enjoy their playing hard-to-get thing anymore and just shoves the two together, so that they're standing literally only a few inches away from each other. It's an awkward silence in the room, but then Jongin finally takes the initiative.

“Uh, ahem, yeah IwouldmaybeliketoaskyououtonadatebecauseyouarewonderfulandIloveyoualot”, Jongin presses out, but only hears the other chuckle.

“Could you maybe repeat that last part?”, he wears that cocky, knowing smirk of his on his lips Jongin just wants to slap out of his face, but he can't. He never could.

“What last part?”. It's a dramatic pause  _he's_ making and which only confuses Jongin more.

“The part where you say that you love me, me because _I_ would love to tell you that I love you too”, and then Jongin just gives up and take the last few inches towards him to kiss him fully on the lips.

And when they separate from each other and are confronted with the shouting and the screams of their members, they smile silently at each other, because that's enough for them, just to be together.

Later that night, Jongin gets a few inches closer to him and leans his head on his broad shoulder. “By the way, you have to tell me about that Hyung-kink of yours someday, Chanyeol”.

**Author's Note:**

> This is somehow experience related, but nevermind. comments would be nice


End file.
